Motherhood

What can I say? It's tough work. I never would have guessed sleep deprivation would be so tiring or trying to breastfeed so frustrating. So many thing have changed in the last month. The girls will be four weeks old on Monday and I am already looking forward to the nights in the future that they sleep all night. I feel bad...almost like I'm wishing time away, but I miss sleep in the worst possible way.

I have found that I no longer have time to eat either. Two weeks after the birth of Addilyn and Ella, I was already back at my pre-pregnancy weight. Oh, and remind me to pee, too because I no longer remember or think about that either.

Matthew and I tried to watch a movie last weekend, and I couldn't even make it through half of it before confessing my exhaustion and climbing into bed. I'm lucky if I get a shower on a daily basis, and my poor house doesn't know what happened to it. It's dirty (well, dirtier than I'd like it to be), and filled with baby stuff that has no room for it other than the living room. I already feel as if we've outgrown our house, but on the flip side of that there is no possible way I could keep a bigger house clean right now.

Have I mentioned that the most action my stove has seen has been boiling nipples for bottles? I haven't cooked in over a month. Who has time? I certainly don't. My poor washing machine sees at least a load of baby clothes, burp cloths and potty pads daily. The diaper genie gets disposed of every two days. And my poor hands realize the meaning of "dish pan hands" from washing bottles. I thought having a sterilizer would help, but it deceives you. You still have to wash the bottles before you sterilize them. It never ends.

Today I made the hardest decision I've had to make since the arrival of the girls. I was trying to breastfeed, but due to the girls being premature they have latch on issues. I pumped instead and realized that I had a low milk supply (like 1 ounce of milk after pumping for 20 minutes.) I asked the doctor for a prescription to increase my supply. He prescribed Reglan, but it made me super sick to my stomach to take. So I stopped for a few days and tried taking an herbal supplement called Fenugreek and drinking Mother's Milk Tea. My supply decreased dramatically, so I asked the doctor if I should start out slow on the Reglan to let my body adjust. He said that I should try. He also recommended a beer a day. Over a week later, I'm still not producing much, and finding the time to pump is hard. When I have the time to pump, I'd rather be sleeping.

So with many tears shed, and feeling like somewhat of a failure, I've decided for my own sanity that it's time to stop and dry up my boobies. The Reglan is making me resent the girls and affecting my moods too much to be worth it. I want to enjoy my girls and not feel ill feelings towards them. Matthew is being very supportive especially knowing how important it was to me to breastfeed the girls. Some things just aren't worth it.

I took some cute pictures of the girls today. Mom and I were keeping them awake as long as possible to make nights easier for Matthew and me. I will also post pictures of their first baths.

Addilyn wants Ella to share!

Ella loves her big sister.

Ella and one of her usual faces.

Ella was not thrilled with her first bath.

Addilyn's first bath.